Another teen goes from “I’m happy in my male body” to “I am truly a girl” in a few days.

Could I be MtF?” asks a 14 year old male in the middle of puberty:

Before I start let me say that I'm 14 -hormones raging, puberty at its highest, etc. Here goes: Ok, so I'm a self-identified bisexual male (I haven't come out yet though but I know I am. I also took the Kinsey Sexuality Test and got a 1-2 (where 0=straght and 6=gay)). But my real question here is, could I be MtF? I'm not unhappy with my male body but I think I'd be happier as a girl, and I have some memories of times in my childhood when I thought much the same. For example, when I was 4-10 years old I'd have nighttime fantasies about becoming female. I used to put blankets under my shirt as fake "boobs" and so on... and I can remember one particular dream from when I was about six years old, where I went into a machine that changed me from being a boy to a girl. I also find that I can communicate with and understand girls better. The majority of guys my age seem like complete idiots. I've never been particularly interested in stereotypical girls' toys but neither have I in boys'. And I'm happy in my male body; I could imagine living my entire life like this but again I think I'd be happier, if only a bit, as a female. Could I be MtF? Or is this just a "want to fuck them, not be them" scenario? Any advice is appreciated. :)

He’s not unhappy with his male body, in fact he explicitly says he’s happy with it. He reports having thoughts about becoming female as a kid, and of pretending to have boobs. He also notes that he feels like he can communicate better with girls.

You're at an age where you'll question a lot of things about yourself. If it's persistent - and having cases from your childhood provide some evidence that it is - then it's something you'll want to look into. If you think your parents would be accepting, see about getting yourself a dress, or find a tutorial on makeup. If not, find a way to "try out" being female/feminine in private.

User Chel_of_the_sea advices him to look into it, and advises that the childhood memories can be “evidence” that there is something to it.

A few days later, the same kid posts again, stating that “Lately I’ve been feeling dysphoria with varying levels of intensity”, and suggests three possibilities for what this might mean:

1. I’m truly female, and I’m feeling increasingly disconnected with my male self.

2. I’m truly androgynous, and I’m being torn between being male and being female.

3. I’m truly male, and I am taking this harmless questioning too far.

He then presents what he feels is “evidence” for each of these options:

Evidence for (1): I've never before felt so strongly that I'm truly a female. I want to be female. This is a huge one. I've had experience in the past of dressing up as a female and enjoying it. I feel comfortable being referred to as "she" and all corresponding pronouns. My friends as a joke used to refer to me as the feminine equivelant of my name. I secretly enjoyed it. I can completely imagine identifying as a lesbian. Over the past few days I've gone from being totally comfortable in my male body to feeling like I've "pulled off the covers" and realized my true self. From there I've stopped feeling so secure as a male. Not to the point of hating it like many (other?) transgenders have reported, but to the point where I definitely feel I'd be happier living as a girl. I'm generally able to associate and communicate much more authentically with girls than guys, and I find it more fulfilling. In writing the previous statement I was tempted to write "other girls" (I think that says something ;D). I used to knit. KNIT.

Note that he simultaneously states that he truly is female and that he wants to be female. No explanation of what being female means to him. Note also the gender stereotypes: he apparently thinks that knitting is an activity that can only be enjoyed by females. Most noteworthy however, is the statement that he has gone from being “totally comfortable” in his body, to experiencing feelings of no longer “feeling secure as a male”.

He continues with presenting evidence for the second possibility: being “truly androgynous”:

Evidence for (2): I don't feel completely uncomfortable in my male body. I vary in my masculinity and femininity, sometimes feeling more male and others more female. I enjoy lots of non-gender-specific activities such as basketball, video games, playing piano, writing music, maths, reading and so on. I've never been into stereotypical boys' or girls' toys.

“Varying in my masculinity and femininity”, or “having a personality that isn’t a cardboard stereotype” as we could also call it. Again the gender stereotypes crop up.

Finally he lays out what he considers evidence of the third possibility, him actually being male and just confusing himself:

Evidence for (3): Up until a few days ago I could realistically imagine myself living the rest of my life as a male. [note the "up until a few days ago" bit.] I've had somewhat of a yo-yo effect with my "coming out to myself". I started off thinking I was completely female inside. Then that kind of wore off; I started re-seeing myself as more male than female. Now I'm not sure. I would describe the way my mind works as being more masculine than feminine. Masculine traits I have include being good with spatial reasoning, thinking logically not emotionally, and enjoying activities that challenge my left-brain. Feminine traits I have are an aptitude for language, and that's about it. Of course males can have female traits and vice versa, so I'd take this point with a pinch of salt. [I believe the testosterone is responsible for these.] I can look in the mirror and see a male, and not be weirded out by that fact. [yet.] [edit: oh god now I am. :D] I'm not used to acting like a girl, and because of that it feels somewhat weird to me. [I'm sure I would be able to get used to it though.]

Note how he says that he can no longer imagine living the rest of his life as male after being exposed to these ideas, and how he has begun to be “weirded out” by seeing himself in a mirror. And again, a bunch of gender stereotypes, illustrating his immature view of what men and women are like (which for a 14 year old isn’t surprising).

Of the replies he gets, not one calls him out on his blatant gender stereotypes. No one asks him what he means by “feeling female”.  What he gets instead  is this:

 [–]lessendianness MtF jonesing for the right hormones 2 points 1 year ago  It is amazing how much you sound like myself this last week. Give yourself some time to process these new thoughts and feelings. My first few days were pretty rough. I found it helpful to mentally disengage from the incessant questioning and continue your daily routine, albeit with a new perspective. As you go about your "normal" life, take mental notes of how you might feel being female/male/androgynous/etc. I ran into a lot of fear and mental resistance to the idea of "changing" my identity, but it helps to remind yourself that you are really just exploring newly discovered facets of your identity. I've had somewhat of a yo-yo effect with my "coming out to myself". I started off thinking I was completely female inside. Then that kind of wore off; I started re-seeing myself as more male than female. Now I'm not sure. This is almost exactly what I went through, and why I recommend giving yourself time and space to balance out. I will say that for me the "re-seeing myself as more male than female" stage was more like "maybe I can just ignore all this and continue living a male. It would be easier." Maybe you've had those thoughts, maybe not. Finally: I used to knit too, and I am a totally-normal-straight-cis-dude... or not. Okay, maybe there is something to this knitting thing. :D Anyway, hang in there. I can relate to what you are going through.

Someone who vaguely says “you sound just like me”.

Do you think cis people make lists like that and think about it that much? My advice is don't ignore it and don't keep it to yourself.

Another instance of the phenomenon covered in this post, the idea that the very act of being unsure of your gender identity makes you trans.

80% of your listings were transgender sounding ... I don't know you, but what I read from here is that you sound trans to me... Just my opinion though and ofc, your body your choices in life. Do what makes ya happy.

“You sound trans to me”

OK. Yeah, just wanted to make the point that you're really probably not cis if you think all of those things. There's a lot to figure out. I honestly think that many of your doubts are pretty common amongst folks who go on to transition and are ultimately happy with that decision. I think the worst thing you could do for yourself is let your doubts control what you do, and ignore the whole thing and hope it goes away. But I guess posting here is a good sign you're not going that route.

“You are probably not cis if you think all of those things”

Whatever the answer the real question is still the same, what do you want to do about these feelings? So whether you're Female/Androgynous, or Male/Androgynous the ultimate question is: "what do you want to do?" Do you want to take steps to make your body more feminine/female? If so, then your actions should be based on the answer to this question. If you don't want to change your body, then don't. Perhaps there are other steps you could take from here, but that would depend on you. Which one you really are matters less than what you feel you want to do, and is something that can be explored deeper once you start taking actions. Finding answers to what you are comes naturally with time and experience in trying different things, thinking about it can leave you stuck. Since you're almost sure you're female, or at least androgynous, then I'd start considering if you want to transition - take hormones and blockers, grow out hair, stuff like that.

It wouldn’t be a “am I trans” post if someone didn’t mention hormones!

Not long after, he is 99% sure he is trans and wants to tell his parents.

I'll try and make this as quick as possible. Basically, in the past few days I've gone from having a tiny bit of suspicion I might not truly be male, to knowing with 99% certainty that I'm truly female. Problem is, I've only come out to one person so far - my girlfriend - and I'm not sure where to go from here or who else to tell (and in what order). Do I come out to my parents next, and have to deal with the inevitable denial and questioning that will come afterwards? They're not religious, so no problems there, and they're not terrible people, but they get angry easily and often have trouble controlling their immediate reactions to things. With this in mind should I come out to them directly, facing their first responses which will likely be along the lines of disbelief, betrayal and anger? Or should I come out in writing, perhaps by leaving a note on the bench just before I go to school? Or should I just begin to act femininely, and tell them when they bring it up? And once I've come out, then what? Do I start taking T-blockers and/or estrogen? Or should I grow my hair out first, train my voice and experiment with feminine clothes and makeup? What about "that awkward phase" where you're not really a guy anymore, but you're not a girl either? I have a lot of questions. Any advice? Thanks :)

From being comfortable as a male to being “truly female” and asking about body mods.

Then asking how to convince his parents it’s totally not a phase, and being in a hurry to start hormone blockers:

I'm in a bit of a time dilemma here as well, because I know that the later you start on hormones the less effective they become. I want to start taking T-blockers and possibly estrogen as soon as possible, but before that can happen I supposedly have to have been in therapy for at least 3 months with near certainty that I am MtF. Before that can happen though, I need to come out to my parents. And having them not believe that I am trans will not help.

Then, his coming-out letter to his parents:

Please listen to me when I say that this is not a choice, and it’s not something I can change. It is not a phase; it will not go away; it will only get worst if ignored; it will eventually kill me if I keep it in.

I may be biologically a boy, but I am truly a girl.

(…)

In terms of wanting to be female, not just acting like one, I can remember events such as dreams and daytime fantasies from as early as three or four, upwards to about 10 years old. They got pretty intense at times, and I can share them with you later if you like (they don’t translate very well to paper). The reason they stopped at about 10 was basically because gender conditioning that dictated that I must act as if I were masculine got in the way of my real identity. What’s more it made no sense that I would want to be feminine, since I wasn’t gay and I certainly wasn’t biologically female – so I tried to stop. For the most part, it worked, but hiding my true identity was not an act that would last forever. It wasn’t until recently that I realised all this consciously though, so I basically went through my pre-teen years and into the start of my teenage ones believing that there was something wrong with me for wanting to be a girl, repressing the feelings, pretending they were never there in the first place, putting on a phony masculine front, hating myself for it, pretending that everything was okay, and repeating the cycle. I know this may be a bit of a shock to you as I rarely seem truly upset, and when I am it’s usually about something trivial and goes away within a couple of hours at most. This was a different kind of sadness though; one which I was able to hide reasonably well, especially from myself, and pile other feelings on top of to keep it out of sight. But it was always there.

Perhaps puberty helped me come to the realization of my true gender identity, or perhaps it was just that my understanding of my life grew large enough for me to be able to see this pattern, question it, and come to the conclusion that I am transgender. And of course having access to resources about transgenderism, mainly websites by older and more experienced people who have been through it themselves, as well as doctors and medical professionals, only helped accelerate this process.

So what do you do about a transgender child? Just as you cannot “cure” your child if they are gay, you cannot “cure” a transgender and make them happy living as their biological gender. Doing so will not end well, for you or for them. Nearly half of all adolescent transgenders have attempted suicide, and are supposedly eight times more likely to do so if they are rejected by their families, or forced to live as their birth gender as opposed to their true one.

So the real solution, however difficult it may be, is to let them express themselves as their true gender, for life (let me stress that this does not go away). This entails a lot of things, some of which are purely social while others are physical. The checklist varies depending on the person but usually will include for Male-to-Female (MtF) transgenders:

* Therapy

* Voice training

* Buying new clothes and changing their appearance

* Choosing a new name

* Taking T-blockers to limit testosterone levels (this is a must)

* Taking supplementary estrogen (usually only when 16+, depends on the specific case)

* Various corrective surgeries, these are usually only done after 10+ years of living is a female, if they are done at all

Notice first how he twice talks about suicide, which reminds us of this post. Suicide is seen as the inevitable outcome of not transitioning. This in a boy who only days before was happy with his body, who has not even talked to a therapist yet. The only people he has talked to about his feelings are people on the internet, many of them much older than him. And all of them are people who define themselves as transgender. No doubt there exist people who have had these kinds of feelings, but who have realized that they are happy as their birth sex. But such people don’t hang out in transgender websites, and thus this kid isn’t reading about their experiences at all.

He also talks about his childhood experiences with “acting as a female” (remember that this is a kid with extremely immature and stereotypical views of what men and women typically do). Suddenly these memories have become a lot more detailed and he sees them as a much more significant than he did the first time he posted.

His letter also contains a list of things necessary  to “express one’s true gender”, including taking hormone blockers and estrogen, and surgery.

We’ve seen the same type of story before on this blog. Young person who does not fit into stereotypical gender roles starts reading certain trans communities, and within a very short period of time they no longer like their bodies and are planning extensive body modifications and threatening suicide.

9 thoughts on “Another teen goes from “I’m happy in my male body” to “I am truly a girl” in a few days.

  1. I can’t decide what’s scarier or more disturbing: that all of this manipulation of minors is going on or that there is enough material for essentially a daily update on this blog.

    Thank you for your work. It’s unsettling, it’s vile, but it’s the facts.

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  2. […] Professor Sheila Jeffreys on “The transgendering of children: Gender eugenics” Attorney Elizabeth Hungerford collects studies and reports on “transgender children.” Blogger Gallus Mag has written extensively on the transing of children. Louis Theroux documentary on “Transgender Kids” Selections from the website Transgender Reality: –How Quickly It Happens –From “Not Sure” To Sneaking Hormones Behind Parents’ Backs in a Week –Another teen goes from “I’m happy in my male body” to “I am truly a girl” in a few days. […]

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