“You’re in the last stages of denial”.

A 16 year old kid is confused about himself and posts to r/asktransgender:

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This seems like a pretty typical teenager trying to find his place in the world.

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“You’re trans. Oh and by the way, you don’t really love your penis, just wait”.

Another confused poster seeking answers (excerpts):

I’m a wretchedly confused 21 year old male.

I don’t think that I fit the typical profile of someone who actively wanted to be female from a very young age. I feel like I’ve just… fallen into it? Maybe I’m just trying to distance myself from it all by saying that. I can’t tell.

(…)

In the past two years, despite the risks of living with my family I’ve gone so far as to go out shopping and buy female clothes to cross-dress in private, frequently shaved my body clean and even dabbled in makeup, though I was getting scared by how far I was taking it and the risk it posed (how the hell do you remove nail polish from the edges of your fingernails?) and binned some of it a few months ago. Still, until recently I’ve always dismissed it as a fetish, because it’s been so tied up in eroticism.

(…)

I’ve never had a great relationship to my body, but especially now that puberty is essentially over I’ve come to distaste, if not sometimes hate my maleness. I look in the mirror and feel like I’m staring back at a gorilla. The body hair and stubble, the muscle, the flat profile, huge nose, rough skin, deep voice… but lately, at least for the first few seconds, I see a female “soul” in my eyes, and so I increasingly can’t face myself in the mirror. Self-awareness is becoming dysphoric. At the same time, it isn’t a constant feeling, at least yet. Being male isn’t all bad.

Still, I’m also so sick of the emotional shutdown I’ve had to impose on myself for being male. Despite how analytic I’ve become, it’s absurd how easily I’ll cry sometimes when watching sappy videos or listening to powerful music online. Part of the reason why I’m such a recluse is that I’m expected to be stoic when I’d like to have a good cry at the end of a movie, you know? I can’t contain myself despite the walls I’ve built up.

After saying all of that I in some ways feel foolish to not think that I’m transgender, but I’ve spent my entire life in such doubt over almost everything that matters, and I’ve consistently made poor decisions when I have acted, so I feel incredibly torn.

Am I just reinterpreting history to suit a self-indulgent narrative? Is this just escapism taken to its utmost extreme? How can you possibly tell if you’re in denial, especially when you’re consumed by doubt? Are dreams just an exploration of hypotheticals, or an expression of deep-seated desires?

I’m not sure if I am transgender, but I’ve read enough stories to know that I don’t want to suffer with dysphoria and regret for the rest of my life.

The gist of this seems to be that this is a guy who likes to crossdress for sexual reasons, who feels like being male is “not all bad”, but dislikes stereotypes like being expected to “be stoic”. He’s unsure if he’s reading too much into these feelings. Note the last paragraph – he has been reading trans stories online. A very common theme in these narratives, as we have seen many times on this blog, is that being trans is a lifelong condition and that the only way of treating it is by invasive medical treatments.

Here are some of the replies:

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(the link in the first comment goes to a page that simply says “yes”).

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There are more replies of the same type. Either straight up “you sound trans”, or “your story sounds so much like mine!”, with the implication being “so therefore you are trans too”. This is the problem with communities like these, they are like funnels. There might be people with the same experiences who aren’t transgender, but they don’t hang around in r/asktransgender, so the young questioners never get to talk to them. Combine this with a solid dose of the sentiment “cis people don’t question their gender” that we have seen here, and we have a very effective way of convincing young people that medical transition is the right thing for them.

7 thoughts on ““You’re in the last stages of denial”.

    • I agree. I’ve often day dreamed about being a woman. Like I have female alter egos I don’t cross dress or anything and it hasn’t even sounded appealing. But lately I’ve been consumed with the idea that I might be trans. Everyone online seems to think so but it’s highly suspect. I could just be a guy that sometimes thinks about being female. I’m not sure. If someone doesn’t actually feel 100% good about their gender identity the internet is no help trying to figure it out. I am starting to be skeptical about the concept of gender identity at all

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  1. I created a bot for r/asktransgender that seeks out posts like these and automatically answers “You are transgender”. Look up u/transverificationbot

    I suppose I agree that the responses seem to immediately jump to “you’re trans” and some people would be more comfortable with going outside of gender roles as opposed to going outside of their AMAB or AFAB gender. But who are we to say? And if you feel so strongly, have you considered contributing to these threads yourself, giving your thoughts to the askers?

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    • When people like us say ANYTHING in AskT, we’re called “TERFs” and asked to leave. Even if we are only advising caution. Our histories are examined for any trace of TERFish thought and offenders are banned. It’s rather like McCarthyism.

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  2. Ditto, House Mouse Queen. The scariest part is that our young daughters have “come across this shit” and are now feeling confused when previously they were fine. Brainwashing is difficult to reverse.

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  3. I am a female. Was raised around boys and my father mostly. My stepmom thought I was doing too many “boy” activities like baseball, basketball, playing musical instruments that boys like to play and I outta be cheerleading instead. I defied her logic and kept doing what made me feel happy.

    Now as an adult, I realize how society dictates what are girl and boy hobbies only confuses the hell out of kids. I have my feminine and masculine traits (based on what society deems both). I have my nurturing side, logical side, rational side, yet listen to my intuition. Because I didn’t allow anyone to confuse me on what I’m supposed to do or not allowed to do, I’m comfortable with me being me. Regardless of my gender. I am me!

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